Dr. Carolyn Lee reflects on a different cliché each week. Recently, in her blog “Funny You Should Ask,” she asks questions about asking questions. This week Carolyn explores the cliché, easier said than done.
Learn more about Dr. Carolyn Lee on her biography page or investigate 29 more clichés in her latest book, Keep Your Eye on the Ball And Other Clichès to Live By.
Easier Said Than Done
Back in the 70s, when I was teaching interpersonal communication, I found a little paperback book by John Powell called Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? It became my bible. From it, I preached the gospel of self-awareness, self-disclosure, authenticity, honesty, and relationship building. My students and I made a valiant effort to reach the level of absolute openness that Powell called “Peak Communication.” Occasionally—and briefly—we achieved bits and pieces of that “gut-level” connection, and our aim became to reach that lofty goal with as many people as possible.
I remember taking that book home with me on Christmas break and introducing my family to Powell’s insights. My parents listened like good sports, but engaging in emotional candor and revealing deeper layers of their inner selves didn’t exactly resonate with them. When I attempted to delve into this subject matter with friends, I discovered that not all of them were terribly receptive. I began to see that having “Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?” conversations with uninitiated participants was not easy. Those conversations worked a lot better with people who had read the book.
That was fifty years ago. During the past five decades I have maintained my interest in interpersonal communication. I am still attracted to books that espouse honest, authentic communication, but I’m a bit more cautious about the manner in which I attempt to apply those theories. And I am completely convinced that establishing and sustaining “peak communication” is much easier said than done.
I have been thinking about, writing about, talking about and teaching interpersonal communication all of my professional life. But do I consistently exemplify what I think, write, talk about and teach? No, I do not. Recently, I had lunch with two friends I hadn’t seen for a couple of years. We had what seemed, at the time, a good conversation. It wasn’t until several hours later, as I was reflecting on our interactions at the lunch table, that I realized I had talked my head off during the entire event. I dominated the conversation. I didn’t ask enough questions. I failed to follow the simple rules of good listening that I’ve preached for years. And, what’s more, I didn’t even realize what I was doing while I was doing it. It strikes me as faintly ironic that, in last week’s blog, I wrote about the importance of asking good questions and being willing to keep your mouth shut.
When I was on the faculty at the University of Texas, I taught a course in nonverbal communication. I used a textbook written by a respected communication scholar. I loved his book and thought the author was brilliant. Excitement ran high in the department when we learned that this author was coming to our campus and that we would be able to interact with him for several days. Much to my delight, I was assigned to pick him up at the airport, take him to dinner and deliver him to his hotel. I was thrilled at the thought of being in the presence of this guru of communication. I will never forget sitting at that dinner table, shocked and terribly disappointed, as I observed this man bumble his way through an awkward conversation and give absolutely no indication that he had any understanding of nonverbal behavior. This was, perhaps, the clearest indication I have ever had that speaking and writing about communication is very different from actually doing it well.
The reason communication is easier said than done is that it is very complex and difficult, and the people who struggle to carry it out are also complex and difficult. I have many times spoken to classes about the communication model. It is a drawing of the process, an attempt to express visually, what happens when two people encounter each other and try to exchange thoughts and feelings. Most of the models feature two heads facing each other, a sender and a receiver. Between them and around them are boxes and circles and arrows and dotted lines indicating “message” and “channels” and “noise” and “feedback” and “field of experience.” I still look at that model and wonder how on earth we ever make sense to each other. Of course, the drawing really isn’t complicated enough. It’s too tidy; it holds still. Communication is actually a moving, changing, adaptive, unpredictable thing that cannot be fully expressed in a two-dimensional diagram.
Communication is worth doing, and anything worth doing is probably not going to be easy. Traveling provided me with my first dramatic example of that principle. I learned—through experience—that daydreaming about traveling and thinking about traveling and talking about traveling are absolutely nothing like traveling. Daydreaming and thinking and talking are easy; doing is hard. Talking about staying healthy is easy. Eating the right things and getting daily exercise are hard. Thinking about being kind and treating people well is easy; actually doing those things requires some effort. Behaving like a mature adult is easy to talk about, but not so easy to bring off in daily life. It was almost a year ago that I said I would write a blog a week for fifty-two weeks. Saying that was a simple task; doing it has been a challenge. This is blog #49. I am saying I can write three more. We’ll see.
Want to Read More?
Check out Dr. Carolyn Lee’s blogs on her website, she features a new cliché each week or you can order her new book, Keep Your Eye on the Ball And Other Clichès to Live By. Want to know more about the woman behind the words? Read more about Carolyn here. We hope you enjoyed this article learning more about the cliché, easier said than done.
