Dr. Carolyn Lee reflects on a different cliché each week. Recently, in her blog “Age is Just a Number,” she examines the veracity of that old adage. This week Carolyn explores the cliché, funny you should ask.
Learn more about Dr. Carolyn Lee on her biography page or investigate 29 more clichés in her latest book, Keep Your Eye on the Ball And Other Clichès to Live By.
Funny You Should Ask
I can’t imagine why I remember this; it happened a long time ago. I think it was a student of mine who approached me and said, “Could I ask you a personal question?” I said, “By all means.” I was kind of excited. I couldn’t remember the last time anybody had asked me a personal question. Certainly, my students had asked me lots of questions about assignments and projects, about grades and academic subject matter, but questions about me? Even so much as a “How are you doing today?” No. So it was with great interest that I anticipated a question that might be fun or challenging to answer and might even lead to an interesting conversation. Then, although it seemed to be hard for her to muster up the confidence to ask, she said, “Do you strip your hair?” Long pause. “Do I strip my hair??” I didn’t really even know what stripping one’s hair meant, but I knew I hadn’t done it, so my response was a simple, “No.”
I have often been amazed by, even incredulous about “conversations” I’ve had with people who ask no questions—at all. Years ago, my sister and brother-in-law and I invited some acquaintances for dinner. These were people we didn’t know well, people who didn’t know us. We had a nice meal, then sat at the table for another couple of hours. During that time, we learned a great deal about these folks because they talked and talked and talked about themselves. When they left, the three of us looked at each other and just laughed. We agreed that our guests had never asked any of us a question. No, not even one. Our entire after-dinner exchange had been about them—their new home, their children and grandchildren, some health issues they were dealing with, their interactions with other neighbors, their political views, a movie they had recently seen. But they had never expressed the slightest interest in our thoughts, views, opinions or experiences. Yes, we were able to laugh about the one-way dinner table “conversation” in which we had just participated, and we had to acknowledge that it wasn’t all that unusual.
In certain situations, especially in business or academic circles, people might be reluctant to ask questions because they’re afraid they might be seen as incompetent or even stupid. Asking questions, especially in a public forum, can make one feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Rogophobia is the identified, legitimate fear of asking questions, and the nervousness and anxiety it incites are real.
But in social situations, like the aforementioned dinner table experience or the spontaneous encounter you might have with the person sitting next to you on a plane or even a long telephone conversation with a talkative friend, the dearth of questions is probably not the result of fear. It quite likely is evidence that people are generally more interested in talking than they are in listening. People tend to believe their stories and anecdotes and opinions are more interesting than those of their conversational partners.
Surely most people know—down deep—that monopolizing a conversation is not a good idea. Surely, they understand that the considerate thing to do is to express an interest in the other guy and encourage him to be an active participant in the discussion. But the failure to include people and invite them to express themselves by asking good questions is a widespread phenomenon.
I’ve just finished reading David Brooks’s new book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. In the chapter called “Good Talks,” he writes about getting into “what it’s like to really engage, to probe the deep recesses of another person’s mind.” He says, “The epic activity I’m describing is called . . . having a conversation. If a person is a point of view, then to know them well you have to ask them how they see things. And it doesn’t work to try to imagine what’s going on in their head. You have to ask them. You have to have a conversation.” Of course, in order to experience this epic activity, one must care about what’s going on the other person’s head; one must be interested in the deep recesses of another person’s mind.
If eight people are sitting around a dinner table, it is not unusual for one person to dominate the conversation. That’s why, at my dinner parties, I bring out the “Table Topics.” This is a set of cards on which are listed questions designed as “ice-breakers” and “conversation starters.” I put a card under the placemat of every guest, and during dessert, I suggest we go around the table, everybody taking a turn to answer his or her question. If anyone gets carried away, I ring a bell or in some way offer gentle encouragement to wrap it up. I can report that, across the board, every single dinner guest I’ve had enthusiastically played this “game”; no one was left out. I wouldn’t go so far as to say we probed any “deep recesses,” but we covered a wide range of topics, and people said things they would never have said if we had engaged in typical dinner-table chit-chat.
Francis Bacon once wrote, “A sudden, bold, and unexpected question doth many times surprise a man and lay him open.” My aim as a hostess was not really to lay anyone open. I just wanted to raise the level of conversation and ensure that everyone had a turn to speak. And, just as importantly, I wanted everyone to pay attention, to listen. I hoped my guests would leave my home feeling that they had been seen and heard and appreciated. Henry David Thoreau received many accolades and much admiration for his body of work. But he wrote, “The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought and attended to my answer.”
Want to Read More?
Check out Dr. Carolyn Lee’s blogs on her website, she features a new cliché each week or you can order her new book, Keep Your Eye on the Ball And Other Clichès to Live By. Want to know more about the woman behind the words? Read more about Carolyn here. We hope you enjoyed this article learning more about the cliché, funny you should ask.
